When a friend first recommended this book, we were skeptical. However, we were intrigued and once we opened it, we were hooked on How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids and all the wisdom recorded by Jancee Dunn.
Dunn starts by painting a picture of her situation at home. When she took time off work to raise her baby, many of the household responsibilities slowly got shifted to her. However, after returning to work, Dunn still continued to do most of the household chores along with any school-related responsibilities. And, now she finds herself resentful and constantly screaming angrily at her husband. Realizing the relationship couldn’t and shouldn’t continue like this, Dunn starts investigating.
Ask and you shall receive
One of the most important takeaways from this book seems quite like common sense. However, it needed to be spelled out, just like how you need to spell it out when you need help from your husband. There’s a common assumption that husbands do not care to pitch in and therefore, do not care about their wives and children. Dunn references the acclaimed research professor Brené Brown’s “the story I’m making up right now.” So, instead of assuming her husband thinks this menial labor is unbecoming of himself, but completely suited to his wife, Dunn needed to explain that this is how she felt. And, it turns out that he just needed her to hit him up with a request. Because he doesn’t really think those chores are her responsibility, but is thinking about something else entirely, like chess.
Sharing your interests as well
Often, we judge the quality of our husband’s interaction with our kids. For example, mothers are most often the ones planning screen-free enrichment activities to do with their children. While fathers will often be watching TV while they spend time with their kids. Or in Dunn’s case, her husband will take their daughter to the bike shop on one of his errands. It seems self-serving at first, but there is merit to involving your children in your own interests instead of just focusing on theirs. First of all, it’ll bring you enjoyment. And, as her husband aptly explained, “Instead of dutifully filling in my Dad hours, I’m doing things I want to be doing anyway, which makes me want to do them longer, which allows us to spend more time together, which only leads to more shared interests, which brings us closer together.”
How not to hate the weekend
Another eye-opening hack requires changing the way you view the weekend. If you plan every weekend minute in the pursuit of productivity, you will end up hating and even dreading the weekend. Time management consultant Julie Morgenstern recommends dividing the weekend into 7 distinct blocks: “Friday night, Saturday morning, Saturday afternoon, Saturday night, Sunday morning, Sunday afternoon, Sunday night.” And, she also suggests dedicating no more than two blocks for household responsibilities. That way, you’re able to carve out some time for leisure and recharging, and not make it an afterthought.
In addition, her friend Jenny recommends having a meeting on Fridays and everyone saying, “This weekend I want A, B, and C’ in order of importance. Assume nothing.” She continues, “At the very least, don’t shoot down an idea right away” because “nobody likes that person at the meeting.” If your child wants ice cream for dinner, you can offer the compromise of letting them pick a restaurant they want to eat at. Or, say, if you want to hit the gym, it’s up to the whole family to make it happen as a team.
Even if you do not hate your husband after kids, Dunn has researched how to improve the situation at home for everyone involved. Not only is the book informative, but Dunn deftly translates all this information into a light read. It reads like a story about how she improved her marriage with information told through conversation and humorous stories. And, after reading this book, things can only get better and we all can appreciate that.
Learn more about Jancee Dunn on her website or follow her on Instagram @janceedunn
Read more posts about Mind where we discuss strategies for maintaining mental balance.
At Such Is Motherhood, our curated picks are always independently selected. When you buy something through our affiliate links, we may earn a small commission. This does not affect the price you pay and helps us cover the cost of running this site. Sometimes, we provide links solely for your convenience, for which we won’t receive any compensation. Our goal is only to suggest the most notable products. Listed prices may change after publication. See full policy.
