When things don’t go as planned, it’s natural to wish the outcome had turned out differently. But for kids and some adults, the emotions accompanying upsets are so overwhelming that they can’t contain them. The result is a tantrum. As a witness, our logical reaction is to use reasoning or offer consolations. Still, if you’ve ever played this role, you know that these efforts often backfire. And the tantrum escalates because what makes sense to you doesn’t feel right to them. However, there is a solution to this dilemma that acts to soothe and build resilience. In this Friday FYI, we share 3 versions of the wish acknowledging strategy used by therapists and parenting experts.
Dr. Laura Markham
According to Dr. Laura Markham in her book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, “When a desire can’t be granted, acknowledge it and grant it through wish fulfillment.” Granting a child’s wish through the use of imagination accomplishes two things. When their wish gets recognition, the child feels seen, understood, and heard. The second reason is more surprising. Markham says, “Imagining that our wish is fulfilled actually satisfies us for the moment” and you can detect this feeling of satisfaction on a brain scan. In other words, it registers in our brains like we got the wish.
Here’s how to use this strategy to “release some of the urgency behind” your child’s desire. You’re running late but have been sitting in traffic for some time now with 20 minutes left until you reach your destination. Suddenly your child cries out, “I’m so thirsty!” Instead of saying, “we’ll be there soon,” which will inevitably get you additional complaints. You can fulfill his wish through imagination. Start by acknowledging the desire. “You wish we had some ice-cold water!” Then grant it through imagination. “I bet you could drink a whole gallon of it right now, huh? It would be so refreshing.” Then let your child know you will meet his need when possible. “When we get to the party, the first thing we’ll do is get you something to drink. We’re almost there.”
Dr. Rebecca Schrag Hershberg
In her book The Tantrum Survival Guide, Dr. Hershberg says, “In some ways, approaching an impending tantrum by labeling and reflecting feelings is counterintuitive.” We think pointing out the very thing your child wishes for but can’t have will make things worse. However, the opposite is true. When we try to “fix it” to sidestep a meltdown and avoid seeing our child upset, we’re also “neglecting to empathize with their emotional experiences.” Naturally, the child will try harder to make you “understand exactly how upset she is and why” by “crying more and yelling louder.” Instead, acknowledge your child’s desire and frustration by saying something like, “I know, sweetie. I get it.” Then follow with your observation of the underlying desire “the banana broke while you were eating it, and you wish it were still whole.”
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Lastly, here’s how parenting experts and bestselling authors Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish use the wish acknowledging strategy in their book How to Talk so Kids can Learn. “Instead of criticisms, questions and advice…accept and reflect feelings and wishes.” This strategy is beneficial for older grade school kids, teens and even adults when they express disappointment in an outcome they could have prevented. Instead of pointing out how they should have known better (even if it’s true) and offering unwanted advice, you can acknowledge their wish for a different outcome. Then allow them to reflect on their wish. The truth is, they already know they’ve messed up. And when you make them feel seen and heard, it frees their minds up to think of a solution instead of focusing on the disappointment. Here’s an example of this strategy from their book, which is full of practical wisdom.
Boy: I hate Mr. Peterson! He’s such a jerk.
Mom: You sound angry!
Boy: He yelled at me for no reason.
Mom: That must have been upsetting.
Boy: He freaked out just ’cause I didn’t have paper.
Mom: Oh.
Boy: Well, sometimes I forget things.
Mom: Mmm…And you wish you didn’t.
Boy: Yeah…maybe I’ll leave some extra paper in my locker. That way I won’t get into trouble—even if I forget my notebook.
Mom: Sounds as if you figured out a new system!
Boy: Yeah.
The why behind the strategy
The wish acknowledging strategy is popular because it works on many levels. First, it helps to dial down hard-to-contain feelings. When we feel understood, we no longer have to invest energy to convince others to see our point of view. It frees our minds to start thinking about solutions. Also, when our feelings are more manageable, it’s easier to sit with them until the disappointment subsides. Lastly, having practice sitting with negative emotions is what builds resilience.
Read more posts about Child Development where we share the latest research to help you meet your child at each age and stage.
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